Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Breaking News From the World of Global-Political Gangsta Rap

Progressives, Fellow Travelers, UN delegates, and other fans of Global-Political Gangsta Rap just can’t catch a break, it seems.  Still reeling from the death of groundbreaking iconic solo artist Kim Jong Il and the retirement of ultra-cool retro crooner Fidel (I. T.) Castro, their woes are now compounded by the imminent breakup of Chronic Mo-Go, the electrifying stage act and rap sensation comprised of Robert (Kronic) Mugabe, Mahmoud (Mo-Jad) Ahmadinejad, and Hugo (Go-Vez) Chavez.
Fidel I.T. from the "Chicks Dig Cigars" album tour

The trio, having re-formed after a brief hiatus caused by creative differences, was still riding high following the astounding success of their latest album, “International Community,” which featured the unforgettable chart-toppers “Liberty This!”,  “Ain’t No Such Thing as Private Property,”  and “Young White Girlz (and Small Brown Boyz).” Like all good things this too, it seems, must come to an end, and fans were dismayed to hear that Kronic Mo-Go have canceled all their upcoming events due to the return of Go-Vez’s cancer.
The announcement is some vindication, but small comfort, for vendors who were blasted by fans on internet chatrooms for publishing Go-Vez retrospective discs entitled “Buy this now, ‘cause I don’t believe in the afterlife,” collectible commemorative plates, and signed, limited edition prints of a fan letter from UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, who is himself a bit of a dabbler in the métier.

And while many would suggest that good taste forbids it at this early date, Yours truly has received indications from reliable industry sources that the remaining two-thirds of Kronic Mo-Go are already considering a short list of prospective replacements for Go-Vez.  Despite rumors to the contrary, I can positively confirm that South Korean artist PSY is not on that list, owing to the fact that he has not (at least so far) taken over and ruined an otherwise perfectly good country. And although I can’t disclose every name on the list I can tell you that Kronic and Mo-Jad are taking a close look at vocalist-performance artist Bashar (BAD) Assad, shown here with his posse during his, "Bad Chemicals" tour:

But even if BAD Assad is their first choice, experts consider it unlikely that Mo-Jad and Kronic will be able to lure him away from what looks like the busiest performance schedule of his life.  

Some industry insiders pointed to his first lady, Asma, a performer in her own right, but spokesmen for Mo-jad, who thrills crowds when he sings the falsetto counter-chorus “Small brown boyz,” to Chronic’s “Young white girlz,” said that he flatly refuses to share a stage with a woman who is not completely covered in accordance with Shariah Law.

Also on the list, according to my sources, is reclusive heartthrob and Sexiest Man alive for 2012, Kim Jong Un, whose recently released disc, "Nukes are Better Than Food," has left critics and fans alike gasping in amazement.

Here he appears seated on the left, as he placed third last year on the wildly popular television show, “North Korea’s Got Talent.” (He was later awarded first place and a life-long recording contract when the first and second place contestants were tragically killed in near-simultaneous hunting accidents.)

Sources could not, or would not, confirm the presence of the name Vladimir Putin on that list.  Putin, considered by many to be the "Vanilla Ice" of this millennium, would add presence to a stage that knows no shortage of that commodity, but many question whether his stolid, methodical, almost metronomic delivery can find a home beside the unbridled savagery of Kronic, or the spastic crunkings of Mo-Jad, the Persian Dervish.

Putin - not enough home-boy from the Homeland?

In addition to whatever creative differences they would have to iron out, it remains to be seen what would become of the globally recognized brand-name of Kronic Mo-Go if one of its members is replaced.  It's hard to imagine a personality as large as would be required on stage being willing to leave the name unchanged to reflect its own addition, but it's hard to predict how would fans react to a name change like "Kronic Mo-Pu." 

Yes, Fidel I.T.'s retirement, the death of Kim Jong (Chillin' Il), and the breakup of Kronic Mo-Go give fans of Global -Political Gangsta Rap plenty to feel sad about, and it's undeniable that change is upon us whether we like it or not.  Even so, with acts like these waiting in the wings, we can feel confident that, regardless of the name, the work of Kronic Mo-Go will continue.  The music will go on forever.


Ran said...

"UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon"... aka UN Secretary General Bat Ki-Moon. Heard of him.

and "Persian Dervish"... Pervish, I think, is the contraction.

In any case, yeah - the music will go on forever. Funny that Ruger stocks are doing so well. Coincidence?

Steven Givler said...

"Pervish" - I like it.